Years have passed since I did it. Years have passed since I was someone I’m still ashamed of. There’s no point in naming the thing nor looking for forgiveness. Those who were involved back then, they are in different places now, as am I. I did it and I lived and then I did it again. Not the same thing I did but i did something wrong. I hurt people. They hurt me. No one really wanted to hurt each other but we did, I did.
Years have passed and I did it again. And again, and again. At some point I think I stopped hurting people so often and so deeply, but I still do hurt them, sometimes, it’s inevitable, as much as the day that comes after the night.
It’s not an excuse.
Oh, how I wish I could find excuses. Oh, how I wish I could justify myself. I can’t. How I wish I could forgive myself.
Today was a though day. Some things came to me, some things came after me. Today I realized I have never forgive myself. I realized I took the fault on me, I always did it and I still do. I’m not perfect, I’m far from perfect and so many times it was my fault. And I remember every time I hurt someone and I remember every time I hurt myself. I hurt myself much more than I hurt others. I hurt myself because I hurt others and I hurt myself because others hurt me. It’s complicated, I know.
Now I know, it’s not about them, it’s all about me, myself and I.
I thought I have a problem with relationships with them, but no, I do not have. Or maybe I have, but that’s not a minor problem at the end. The real problem is my relationship with myself.
I hated myself for things I did, and I hated myself for things others did. It was always easier to punish myself than to fight for myself.
Today the past came. Today they all appeared again and today I understood. It’s not about them, it’s all about me. And my relationship with myself.
I thought that one cannot forgive themself. I thought that’s the power others possess. We are taught we have to ask for forgiveness. We are taught we have to wait until someone else will forgive us. Now I know that’s the half-truth. Asking for forgiveness someone I hurt is the first step, but it’s the easiest step. Then I have to ask myself for forgiveness.
And there are moments, when I didn’t hurt anyone and I still feel guilty. Maybe this is how I was raised, maybe this is who I am, maybe this is a flaw of my character. Maybe this is a virtue. It is definitely a burden. So many times I felt guilty because of someone’s else faults. So many times I took someone’s sins as mine.
And I punished myself. There are different methods one can use to punish themself. I tried many. None have worked, none have brought me comfort and peace. There was only more pain and more scars.
Today I realized there’s only one way to find comfort and peace.
Forgive them. Let it go. It’s so fucking hard. It’s just the beginning, years have passed and years will pass until I’ll be able to do so. But that’s the first step. There’s the second part, the hardest part, yes, ever harder than forgiving them.
For things I did, and for things I did not.
For things I did because I already did them and now I know I tried to fix them as much as I could. I apologized. I explained. I tried to make up for them. And I can’t do more, I can’t change the past and I can’t change what I did. Some of them forgave me, some of them didn’t and they won’t. I can’t change that either.
For things I didn’t do, because it has never been my fault. I took someone’s else fault and I lived with it for years. It has eaten me from inside and I paid the price for something I haven’t done. And there was no one who could forgive me because I wasn’t the one who hurt.
I thought I’m better because I feel guilty. I was wrong. I bring the pain with me and I hurt those who I love. Because I thought I’m a noble man dealing with all those mistakes on my own. I felt special and I felt good because I punished myself for things I did and I did not years ago. Decades even.
Today I realized I cannot live like that anymore. Today I decided it is time to forgive them, but first of all, it is time to forgive myself.
Today I started the process of forgiving myself. It’s going to be a long process, but the first step I have taken. I don’t know where it’s going to take me, but I’m not afraid.
In the end it’s all about my relationship with myself.