Sometimes there are days and weeks when I want to be alone. The reasons are different, depending on my state of mind, but the results are similar. A lot of thinking and some conclusions about things I need to change in my life. Things I want to change.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my approach to time. I used to think a lot about things that hadn’t happened yet. Sometimes I worry about something, sometimes I just am not present. I’m sure a lot of people do the same. I realised that I was wasting my life.
My time is precious but limited, and every moment I worry about future events, every moment I don’t live fully – is a wasted moment.
Life is made up of moments.
I don’t mean to live in a hurry or to fill every moment with an activity, I mean to appreciate these moments. Even if I sit alone on the balcony, drinking coffee and just being with my thoughts, I can appreciate that moment. As long as I’m doing things that I want to do, it’s worth appreciating those moments.
But life isn’t always the way I want it to be. Sometimes I do things I would rather avoid. But I do them, because we all have to do things we don’t like. Pay taxes. Waiting outside the doctor’s surgery. Sitting in that pointless meeting at the office. We all do these things.
They are all moments worth appreciating.
I’m alive. I’m going to be in a house that I like and I’m going to spend the evening with a person that I love. Why should I be angry about an hour-long meeting that will end at some point? I might as well cherish this moment.
Every moment counts. Every second matters.
No one will ever give me back the time I waste. There are things I have to do, things we all have to do, and there’s nothing I can do about it. But the rest I can decide. And I don’t want to spend my time on pointless things and with people who are toxic.
It’s not about being productive, not at all. It’s about being intentional. I can sit on the balcony and I can watch a film or I can read fiction and it doesn’t mean I’m wasting my time. It’s fine as long as it makes me happier, calmer, healthier, wiser, just better in some way.
I caught myself looking into the future and thinking that when something is over, something unpleasant that awaits me, then everything will be better and I will be happy. And I will enjoy other things. But the unpleasant thing has to happen first. So I could spend the rest of my life like that and never really live because there is always something unpleasant ahead of me.
Every moment matters. Every second is important.
Every moment is good to live, to do things that are important or pleasant, every second is good to be present, to spend my time with those I love.
So many seconds I have wasted in my life just waiting for better times that never came. It’s time that no one will give back to me, and I can’t do anything to get it back. But I can use the rest of my life, the rest of the moments I have, to live.